the clothier has had just about as much as he can take...

so, we have been meeting with the caterer to finalize everything for the elder child's december bar mitzvah. it's nothing huge, just a little kiddish lunch following the service, right? no evening party, no grand soiree, no jonas brother, just a little lunch.
I am willing to pay an arm for this, but I'm drawing the line for tossing in my leg, and my ass.

I am giving serious consideration to making it all my self. How hard can it be to buy some bagels, cream cheese and lox? A couple trays of kugel, some blintzes, a little fresh fruit, juice and coffee and i'm good, right?

Why is this costing the equivilent of the GNP of a smallish european country?

I believe the overcharging for these events by the typical Synagogue-approved caterer is some sort of vicious Jew-on-Jew crime.

In order to combat this, I used a local restauranteur who I knew well (we eat at his joint often) as my caterer for my kids' Bar/Bat Mitzvahs and he did not rip us off. As a matter of fact, the food was great and he made so much extra that we served leftovers to the out-of-towners who joined us for a little at-home get-together Saturday night. We worked on the menu with him to avoid any non-Kosher issues and it worked out great.

Do you know any local restauranteur who handles catering jobs?

i was thinking along the same lines, this is not the usual caterer (in fact, he's a nice muslim man) but it's still just a touch more then i really want it to be.

i'm thinking maybe just smoking/curing the lox myself.

clothier wrote:

(in fact, he's a nice muslim man)

That's weird. The guy I used is an Iranian muslim.

The do-it-yourself thing is probably cool as far as the food goes but my guy had a small staff to set up the tables, serve beverages, do cleanup, etc. so that we could focus on the guests.

Do you have to do a parents' prayer/speech?

the temple staff does set up (that i'm paying for, of course).

and yes, i have to give a speech.

any ideas?

I could do a nice bbq set up for you pretty inexpensive.

Would pulled pork be inappropriate?

laststandchili wrote:

I could do a nice bbq set up for you pretty inexpensive.

Would pulled pork be inappropriate?

I think that is a no no. I believe the pork must be thinly sliced.

clothier wrote:

the temple staff does set up (that i'm paying for, of course).

and yes, i have to give a speech.

any ideas?

No specific ideas but perhaps some general advice. My initial draft of these things is usually too joke-laden. I then do a reality check and realize that this is a religious event and not open mic nite at Uncle Chuckles.

Also, I know this part will be as painful for you as it was for me, but it's not about us. Thank all who came, thank all who prepared your son for this wonderful day, praise your wife and kids (especially the Bar Mitzvah boy), say some blah blah about how this is just the start of your son's life as a Jewish adult (the congregation just eats this stuff up like chicken soup) and then shut the fuck up.

By the way, don't hesitate to break the tension by getting a few laughs. Just don't overdo it.

clothier wrote:

and yes, i have to give a speech.

any ideas?

Yes. Don't choose anything from here (especially # 2).

my first draft is very funny, but it's either
a ) about me

or

b ) embarassing stories about him.

must re-write. I'll work in your ideas.
thanks.

You should lead with "A priest, a rabbi, and a black guy are on a boat...."

Independent George wrote:

You should lead with "A priest, a rabbi, and a black guy are on a boat...."

...and end with an ode to this site's oft-used valediction, "Merry Christmas."

clothier wrote:

I'll work in your ideas.

Work-in this Jackie Mason quote by opening your speech with the statement that you just returned from Miami and in "Miami beach you can tell is Jewish, you know why? Nothing moves on Miami beach. If there's a Jew on a vacation they're only looking for one thing, a place to sit... he sees a chair, it's a successful vacation. Jewish resorts are the only place that advertise 'Brand new lobby!', here's the lobby, that's the chair... and they spend the whole vacation judging chairs, 'This is a better chair than that chair.' Irving you call this a chair? Come here you gotta try this chair! Take a look I found a chair! When a Jew feels like an athlete he makes an announcement 'I'm going for a walk.' You know where they walk, another lobby, another chair and that's it."

That will just kill, clothier, kill.

I got into some real trouble at a Bar Mitzvah once because of my shiksappeal.

Will the WOT contingent have our own table at this affair, or will we be seated amongst other friends and family?

laststandchili wrote:

Will the WOT contingent have our own table at this affair, or will we be seated amongst other friends and family?

Kiddie Table

It was an Orthodox gathering.

i95 wrote:

laststandchili wrote:

Will the WOT contingent have our own table at this affair, or will we be seated amongst other friends and family?

I'm associating with a much higher class of fucktard since I've gone strictly virtual with my relationships.

Clothier, how was your son's bar mitzvah?

we postponed it when we got your RSVP. What dates are you available to be there?

just to keep you all up to date, i have fired the caterer.

why you ask?
on a whim, I contacted the nice folks at Zingermans, you familiar with them, yes?

same menu as the fired dude. Same price. So i can have zingerman's made bagels, zingerman's made cream cheese? for the same price? the only difference is $100 extra cuz we are outside the 40 mile delivery zone.

no brainer.


you guys really want to be invited now, don't you?